


The Classy Kinda Sassy

by amberlo133



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-16
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2017-12-15 05:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberlo133/pseuds/amberlo133
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy adopts another scientist. Now all she just has to try not to kill him...or kiss him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this but I felt there needed to be more Tony and Darcy bitching at each other.
> 
> Thanks to ghost_girl for adding commas etc.

# Chapter 1 - Take-Out and Tasers 

Darcy walked into Jane’s lab with two bags of take-out. 

“Jane! Dinner time. Don’t make me drag you out of there.” Walking round the banks of monitors she was surprised to find instead of the crazed sleep deprived astrophysicist she had been expecting... just empty space. And a huge mess, but that was pretty much normal. If the lab had been tidy then she would have actually been worried. 

“Jarvis? Where’s Jane? She not asleep under a desk, nesting in her research is she?” Darcy asked, peering around suspiciously. 

“No, Miss Lewis. She left about an hour ago in the company of Mr Odinson. I believe they recently ordered Thai food.” 

“Ooh, deserted for big hot and Norse am I?” She shrugged. “That’s fair.” Bro’s before ho’s and all that jazz, but she would’ve deserted a friend with a tea cup pig for abs that good. Still, it left her with spare food. She held the bag up, considering it. 

“I wonder if there are any other hungry scientists in the building...” 

“Sixty-two at last count, Miss Lewis.” 

“What? Really? They know there’s a canteen downstairs right?” 

“Doctor Foster is not alone in forgetting mealtimes in the face of work.” 

“That... doesn’t surprise me.” She squared he shoulders. Time to be a good Samaritan. “Who’s worst off? As in, reaching for last week’s coffee, making big red buttons and laughing maniacally, off?” 

There was a slight pause. 

“Actually Miss Lewis, Mr Stark best fits those criteria and your clearance is... sufficiently unspecific for me to allow you access to his workshop under these circumstances.” 

“The bossman’s short on munchies? I didn't even know he was in New York.” 

“He returned the day before yesterday and has not left his workshop since.” 

“Ouch. Want to see him fed before he starts fiddling with your wiring, eh?” 

“Something of that nature.” 

“Point the way.” She settled her hat of the day more securely over her head and squared her shoulders. A sleep deprived hungry billionaire who would undoubtedly try to throw her out the minute he saw her? Bring it on. 

To her surprise Jarvis directed her to take the elevator down the sub-basement levels. She knew the penthouse part of the tower, where she had been expecting to go, had been wrecked in the Battle of New York but this didn’t look like temporary accommodations. 

“Sub-basement 7, Jarvis? Isn’t that a little... evil genius? He doesn’t sit down here and twirl his moustache does he?” 

“Sir has a long history of causing the kind of explosions during the course of his work that are much easier to contain underground.” 

Darcy laughed. “You’re not really selling this to me, dude.” 

Jarvis was moving her through some pretty hefty looking security, which all opened magically in front of her. If not for the take-out, she totally would have been doing Jedi hand gestures. 

Finally the concrete and metal supports changed back to the smooth glass she recognised from the fancy labs upstairs. Through the windows she caught a glimpse of a man half encased in metal gesturing dramatically at thin air. Well, no points for guessing who that was. 

“Once more into the breach Miss Lewis...” 

Snorting, Darcy threw one hand back against her for head. “If I don’t make it back tell my iPod I loved her.” 

The doors hissed open, and Darcy caught the tail end of Jarvis sassing Stark about his decisions. 

“Wow that’s weird.” Somehow it had never occurred to her that Jarvis could talk to different people at once, scary cool. 

The mask jerked towards her and she heard the slightly mechanised voice that was Tony Stark via Iron Man. 

“Girl in my lab. Jarvis, why is there a girl in my lab? Security people! I could have sworn we had some? There should be six floors of concrete and Fort Knox on steroids security between me and random hipster girls.” 

“Excuse me?! Hipster, my ass, mecha dick. Naughty secretary chic is still a thing you know,” she yelled, gesturing at him with her bags of food. Talking to the helmet was slightly disturbing but not enough to stop her defending her style-honour. 

“Right... Jarvis, do a scan. Am I hallucinating this? It seems likely.” 

“You have not quite reached hallucinations yet, sir. This is Miss Lewis, Doctor Foster’s assistant.” 

“Uhuh.” 

“I came bringing delicious snacks, but she ditched me for supersex. And guess who’s next on the list of geniuses that need feeding?” 

“That’s a thing? That we have here now? Regular scientist feedings? Wait, why don’t I get supersex?” 

“Well I can see if Captain Rogers is around...” Darcy smirked. 

“Gah, no! I am too old to go breaking in National Icons,” he said, recoiling and moving back to fiddling with his gauntlet. Darcy settled herself onto a mostly clear bench and started opening up the food cartons. Working with Jane had taught her that being able to smell food often short circuited hungry scientist brains. 

“Sooo... boy Samus, are you gonna lose the helmet and come eat?” 

“Samus? How are you even old enough to know about that? Definitely hipster. No time for food, better things.” 

Darcy narrowed her eyes. “Don’t think I won’t taze you just because you’re famous. There have been modern Samuses... Sami? No, that can’t be right. Not to mention Super Smash Bros.” 

“Anyway, my suit is totally better than hers... wait, you have a taser with you?” 

“Well duh. This is New York.” 

“It’s also an underground bunker that strange little girls shouldn’t be able to bring weapons into!” Tony crossed his arms, glaring at the ceiling. 

“My apologies, sir. I must have been overestimating the Iron Man capabilities.” 

Darcy laughed. Sarky British AI’s were the best. “Chill man, you’re in more danger of passing out and cracking your head on the floor than me. You can’t blame him for tackling the biggest threat first.” 

Now he was giving her the stink eye. “Give me the taser. Or better yet, come here and give my arm a shot.” 

“Whoa. No! You can’t trick me into that shit. God knows how much you’re insured for. You know, like that chick who had her legs done. I bet the beard alone’s worth like a hundred mil.” 

“Are you high? Did you steal Bruce’s big bag of weed?” 

“Kinda wish I did. Wasn’t expecting this level of crazy.” 

“The upgrades I was doing... have become downgrades. I need an electrical pulse to open the controls on the suit. Like your taser... Small words better?” 

So what if he was a dick; the patronising voice and hand gestures were kinda hilarious coming from half an Iron Man. And if that wasn’t good enough, now she got to tase him. 

“Oh, cool,” she shrugged, reaching into her bag and trotting over. “And whereabouts would sir like his hit?”she asked, grinning maniacally. “You know, you’ll be the second Avenger I’ve tased. It’s probably a record.” 

“I’ll get you a big shiny medal. Just here,” he said, indicating the spot. She gave him a brief jolt, and he gave a hilarious shriek. 

“Wow, high voltage. Or higher than I was expecting. Did the trick though.” He dismantled the chest piece and pulled off the helmet. Darcy immediately fixated on the arc reactor. 

“Ooh pretty shiny glowy!” 

Stark looked bemused. “And for my next trick, I shall jingle my keys. You’re one of those people who think glow sticks are cool, aren’t you?” 

“And that’s when I’m sober,” Darcy retorted, glancing up at him with a grin, and nearly choked. 

Hot. Very hot. And that was after hanging around with Thor for weeks. She might actually drool. 

“A girl after my own heart,” he smiled lazily, leaning back against his work bench. “Where’s my food, take-out wench?” 

“Back in that cheesy romance novel you’ve been reading, my lord rake,” Darcy snarked, putting her lust to the back burner in favour of banter. 

“I am suitably dissolute and charming,” he nodded seriously. “Now give me food”


	2. Cocoa and Cartoons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Food related meetings and sarcasm continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and kudos! I do plan to continue this but since I am meant to be writing my dissertation it might be very slow going. I could also use a beta reader if anyone fancies it?

# Chapter 2 – Cocoa and Cartoons

Tony half stomped and half staggered into a common room he had never seen before. It was... sometime in the very early morning. As in, the kind of early morning that happens in the middle of the night. 

Coffee: that was the object of this particular mission. Jarvis had cut him off from his own supplies over some stupid concern about sleep cycles. Ok, so he may have said something about how he needed a bit more sleep, but he hadn’t meant it seriously, or at least he didn’t right now. So maybe he had been up for about 30 hours, he’d had worse. He headed purposefully towards the kitchen but was brought up short. 

“You...” 

“Arcghh!” Darcy screamed, whirling round and collapsing back against the counter brandishing a wooden spoon. “Wha...what the fuck, man? Stark? When did... why are you in our kitchen?” 

“Our?” he asked, inspecting her. She was less collected than last time he saw her, with no makeup and wearing flannel pyjama bottoms and a camisole. In his workshop he had thought she was stunning, all gorgeous painted red lips and curves, but now in the night-time half light she was... still beautiful, but more... comfortable. Until she opened her mouth, that was. 

“Mine, Jane’s and Thor’s? Other people don’t have whole cupboards full of poptarts.” 

“I can’t think why not,” he drawled, marshalling his brain. Take that sleep deprivation, he could still fake it with the best of them. 

“Dude, you look like shit.” 

OK, maybe not. He sneered at her and she grinned at him. While it wasn’t helpful to his current objective, it was nice to find another person around here that wasn’t intimidated or (more likely) offended by him. Rhodey and Pepper were great and he could admit he’d be lost without them, but Rhodey was pretty busy these days and Pepper...wasn’t handling the aftermath of New York very well. 

“Not gonna scare me. Calm in the face of sleep deprived geniuses is in my fucking job description.” 

“Then getting me coffee should be second nature,” he said, dropping into a chair and shooing at her expectantly, barely managing to contain a grin. “Now, please.” 

She looked unimpressed. “It’s not you I’m employed to caffeinate, sweetie.” 

Changing tactics, he dropped his chin onto his arms and gave her his best pathetic puppy dog expression. “But I really need to get back to work...” 

“No. You really need to go to sleep...and that’s an expert diagnosis. I know another coffee addict when I see one.” 

They stared at each other for a few moments, caught up in weird Mexican coffee stand-off. She was trying to look intimidating and it was surprisingly successful considering that she was wearing flannel pants with little stegosauruses all over them. 

“Ok, I’ll make you a deal,” she said gesturing with the wooden spoon. “I will make you a drink with both caffeine AND alcohol in it, if you agree to sit with me and watch cartoons for at least half an hour while you drink it.” 

Well that didn’t sound so bad, caffeine and alcohol always produced the best bits of code. He sensed a trap but his brain was in no condition to combat such sneaky tactics. “Yeah, fine, you got yourself a deal... as long as the cartoons are decent.” 

“Looney Tunes all the way man, and if you don’t like them I will disown you and never make you another coffee again in your life.” She turned back to the cooker and stirred whatever was going on there. 

“Looney Tunes are awesome.” He buried his head back into his arms. 

He was just going over a solution for his latest Quinjet design problem over in his head, and musing that he seemed to have started modelling the stupid thing on an X-Wing, when she kicked him in the leg. He jerked up in surprise. 

“Come on, genius. Sofa time.” He managed to resist kicking her back like a five year old, but only to protect the seductively steaming mugs in her hands. 

“You forgot billionaire, playboy and philanthropist” he said haughtily standing up and moving the few paces to the couch only to collapse messily again. Darcy simply shoved his sprawled legs out of the way and threw herself down next to him. 

“I’ll believe it when I see it. Genius, yes. I’ve see Iron Man. Billionaire seems probable given the penis extension tower, but playboys don’t typically spend every waking minute working in an underground bunker.” 

He shrugged. “I’m relapsed.” 

“No kidding. I swear Jane and her alien sex god are the only ones getting any in this tower. And they have to be doing to be doing it in the room next to mine. Life is unfair.” 

He snorted, watching the familiar Looney Tunes credits play out in front of them. Someone who could look at the earth-shattering arrival of alien deities and only get stressed about the potential to be sexiled was refreshing. The media since the Chitauri attack had been appalling, another reason to be hiding in his workshop. “Notice how I’m not making probe jokes. Character growth, right there.” 

“Believe me I’ve made them all.” She grinned. “Sometimes embarrassing Jane is the best way to get her away from her machines and down to the cafeteria. Ohh ‘Hare Way to the Stars’ I love this one, my Gran used to have it on video.” 

He took a sip of the drink she’d given him and almost spat it out. It wasn’t that it didn’t taste good, it really did but this was definitely not coffee. “Did you make me cocoa? What am I five?” 

“Pretty much.” She was grinning and looking way too self satisfied. “Didn’t exactly read the fine print, did you? Special recipe for degenerates, it’s actually got both coffee and whiskey in it...just not very much.” 

He was kind of impressed, lying by omission was an art form, he’d have to be more careful round her. “What are these gooey bits?” 

“Erm well they were marshmallows, dumbass. And to be fair I didn’t make you cocoa, I made me cocoa and you gate-crashed.” She threw a grin at him and turned back the TV. “I frickin’ love Marvin the Martian, he’s so cute! Look at those little legs.” 

Ok well, whatever, she was clearly crazy but it tasted good. They sat in easy silence for a while watching Bugs Bunny outwit the villains mostly by ignoring the laws of physics. With the usual inevitability of cartoons he found himself drawn in. “This guy is a terrible engineer, look at the design of this place! It’s completely illogical. And see...if he’d just named it something shorter than ‘Something Something Explosive Space Modulator’, it wouldn’t have blown up in his face. At least I call my stuff something sensible.” 

“Really? It’s not like Iron Man is that imaginative.” 

“Or accurate, but it was the press that came up with that.” 

She laughed. “You sound like Buffalo Bill. So what did you call it.” 

“At that point? Mark II.” He cringed mentally, he’d walked right into that. 

Darcy turned round to face him with an incredulous look. “Because that is SO much better!” 

He looked down his nose at her putting on his best elitist genius expression voice, God he loved arguing with people. “When you invent ground-breaking technology, then you can bitch.” 

She smacked him on the arm and laughed. “Nah, man I’ll just bring you a cup of coffee at the right time and you’ll let me name your next toy.” 

“Very probable. If it was before 9 o’clock and the coffee was good enough I’d probably sign over the patents.” 

“I’ll remember that.” She focused on the screen. “And that’s where the weird sewer infestations come from: careless rabbits returning from outer space.” 

“Careful, I don’t want to have to fight alien sewer crocodiles because some supervillian overheard you being sarcastic and got ideas.” 

“If me being sarcastic could endanger the world, we’d all be dead already, or at least living in some dystopian sci-fi novel.” 

In front of them one episode rolled into another accompanied by laughter and insults. He felt himself relaxing more than he had in a while. Darcy made very easy company compared to the other people around him; even seeing his oldest and closest friends had been stressful since Loki had been defeated. Something about not being able to watch him fly nuclear weapons into space anymore...like he made a habit of it! 

He knew she’d played him, of course, gracefully derailing him from getting a quick caffeine fix and running straight back to the basement, but he couldn’t bring himself to resent it. He was aware he had been working too much; frantically tinkering and building yet more armour, trying to run from his own brain... 

“Boom, take fucking that Coyote.” 

Darcy and her surprise food and drink attacks were a welcome distraction. Nevertheless he was going to make very sure she never got the chance to team up with Pepper or Natasha; he’d be doomed.


	3. Sugar Puffs and Promotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no Tony this time but the next chapter should be up in a couple of days. Thanks, for all the lovely comments!

# Sugar Puffs and Promotions

"You know, Jane honey, Norse Gods and delicate machinery were never gonna mix well." Darcy was buried, yet again, under one of the long range sensors with a roll of duct tape and a screwdriver.

"I know, but all he has to do is lean against it and its..."

"Fucked? Because its looking pretty screwed at this point. There only so much ex-poli-sci majors and duct tape can do, you know." Actually she was a bit better than that, she had grown up running around a garage, and then working at it. But there was a big difference between banged up trucks and astrophysics equipment. Plus she'd learnt more about classic rock working for her uncle than she ever had about machines.

"Don't say that, you practically built this stuff."

"Whoa, no, honey. You brought all this from nerdville, all I did was get it to run in the ass end of nowhere...with duct tape."

"Yeah, and knock out the town's generator that one time." Jane said grinning down at her. She couldn't help smiling back, Jane hadn't changed much since they moved here, except now that they had a reliable heating system she worked in her pajamas even more often. Her hair was everywhere with pens keeping it off her face and she was munching on a pot of peanut butter with toast soldiers. Adorable.

"They never forgave us for that." She shimmied the displaced electric socket into the back of the sensor and secured it with the two remaining screws.

"Well it wasn't nearly as bad as the second time. You did that on purpose, just to get back at SHIELD."

"Well I had to make it worse or it wouldn't have got all the way to their base. Anyway they totally deserved it. And if I hadn't, we never would have met Clint." She rolled away from the wall and climbed to her feet brushing off the dust. "You know at some point you should get a professional in to look at this." Jane frowned and made a sad face.

"Either people don't have clearance, or they're too senior to fix the little problems. It sucks."

"Meh, that's what I'm for I guess." She grinned slinging an arm around Jane's shoulders.

"Lady Darcy! You have fixed the sensitive box! My thanks." Thor clapped her on the shoulder and only previous experience kept her standing. He was wearing sweatpants, with epic bed hair and eating cereal out of a mixing bowl but still managed to look every inch a god. Might have been the abs. Definitely the abs. 

"That's alright, big guy. You got plans for the day?" She asked stealing a spoonful of Sugar Puffs."

"Yes! I will finish this fine repast with my lady and then sharpen my skills with my comrades. It will be an excellent day!" Just about every day was excellent to Thor, it made him very easy to live with despite all the broken stuff. And the fact there was never any cereal left.

"Cool. I have to meet Coulson." She shuddered. He had grown on her since the iPod incident but he was still pretty intimidating. It would better if he'd given her any idea what the meeting was going to be about.

"Why?" Said Jane, who was clearly just as suspicious. "He can't steal you, or make you do anything, you know, you're mine. Contractually."

"Aww, of course I am. Even if that does make you sound like a pimp."

***********

"Reporting for mystery meeting, Son of Coul." Darcy threw herself into the desk chair and tried not to look nervous. Nervous Darcy tended to start saying outrageous things just to fill the silence. Meeting Fury had not gone well.

"Ah, Miss Lewis. I wanted to talk to you about the work you do here." He fixed her with a piercing look.

"No. No, I knew this was coming. Jane is my pimp, I only just finished fixing her machinery...heh. Not available for appropriation."

"That's not quite what I meant. You are still useful to Miss Foster but you do have a lot of spare time. Considering your history, I think it might be best to keep you fully occupied."

"That time with Clint and the Pepsi cans was a one off. And anyway, no one was hurt. Just kinda startled."

"Be that as it may, my point stands. I am not asking you to take on any major responsibilities but I seem to have been designated handler for the Avengers." Darcy laughed, his face said it all really. "Exactly. In the field that works fine. But I need an assistant to help during downtime and they do not deal well with anyone unknown or resembling authority. Your work history suggests you would not be a bad choice."

"I've been a mechanic, a waitress, and all kinds of bar staff. What qualifies me for superhero wrangler?! What would I even do? Jarvis handles feeding them and and they walk themselves."

"You would be working closely with Jarvis. They may be living with each other now but they have yet to become a proper team. Steve and Stark avoid each other, Banner avoids everyone except Stark, Clint and Natasha don't avoid anyone but they're hardly social and Thor kicks the crap out of everyone in the gym."

"But he's very friendly about it." She felt more relaxed now, Coulson stopped being intimidating when she could see just how much of a kick he got out of calling Captain America Steve. She was being offered a job that so many people would kill for and she wouldn't even have to wear panty hose. 

"Just be friendly and draw people together. More specifically Steve could use someone to help with settling into this century and I will let you know as other jobs come up."


	4. Cheese Steak and Chips

# Cheese Steak and Chips

Strangely, not much changed after Coulson took Darcy's bemused silence for acceptance. He started sending her more jobs and she started hanging out with more Avengers, but teaching Steve about the Vietnam War, depressing as it was, wasn't too hard. There was more challenging stuff, like helping Coulson set up the Avengers as a registered charity and some public relations work, but it was kinda fun. For the first time she felt like going to college had actually been useful. The only potential disaster (from her point of view) was when Coulson absentmindely said that he would: 'update the team of her new position' and she screamed at him.

"NO!" He froze with his hands halfway through typing the email and gave her the no expression face that still managed to be a death glare. She rushed to explain. "Even Steve's got authority issues. The second you tell them I'm meant to 'manage' them, it'll be a million times more difficult." He'd actually looked kinda impressed at that.

Her efforts to get them to socialise were...going, if not going particularly well. She had persuaded Thor that it was customary on Midgard to do more with one's comrades than constant combat training and he had immediately dragged everyone he could find out drinking. Including a guy who'd just come in to fix the showers. Having Steve in the massive lounge watching history clips and classic movies was helping, Clint and The Widow tended to wander in and offer opinions, sometimes even joining in properly.

The real problem was the scientists, which really didn't come as a surprise based on past experience. Considering one was in constant fear of hulking out and the other was a possibly alcoholic workaholic who had might have 'flew a nuke into space syndrome', she was lucky she even knew what they looked like. 

"Jarvis, silly question I know, but do Stark and Banner need feeding."

"Doctor Banner has been asleep at his desk for the last four hours but will be woken up in 15 minutes by his centrifuge and Mr Stark needs either a meal or padded restraints." Wow, even for Jarvis that was bitchy, Tony must be doing something really fucking dumb. Again. After watching Darcy with Jane and working with her on household stuff Jarvis seemed to have accepted Darcy as an ally and showed an even more dryly sarcastic side around her. She thoroughly enoyed it.

"Let me guess he's doing something monumentally stupid."

"As ever."

"No sleep? Dangerous and untested prototypes? Running on fumes?"

"All of the the above."

"On my way."

Her first stop was the Stark Tower canteen, it was massive and generally awesome run by a married couple of ex-British Michelin starred chefs. They were the only ones who were SHIELD cleared to prepare for for the Avengers and other irreplacable people like Jane. Strangely they loved this, complaining they rarely got to make full meals anymore and were always buried in management responsibilities. 

"Ricky! My man. How are you? Where's Michael?"

"Right here, love." Michael said appearing out of a walk-in and grinnning at her. "What d'you need? Trying to get a square meal into your scientist again?"

"Same quest different scientists. You have something I can feed Banner and Stark."

"Oh, you're branching out." Ricky broke in and looked at his husband. "You do Banner I'll take the bossman?"

"And something for me please!" She yelled after them as they dived back into the kitchen.

Quarter of an hour later she had dropped off Bruce's dinner with a sticky note pointing out that the beds in Stark Tower were really pretty comfortable and was heading towards Tony's lab. As she walked down the tunnel all the double doors slid open well in front of her, a clear sign Jarvis wanted her to get in there right now.

"Twenty one, ow fuck, twenty two, twenty three, ah that stings."

"Sir, this procedure should be staged over days not seconds." Darcy interrupted before Jarvis got anymore annoyed and started imitating Skynet.

"You know pets usually only get one microchip, you might be overdoing it."

"A much better idea, Miss Lewis."

"Minion A, always a pleasure. And if I was going to start microchipping avengers, it'd the spy kids. Twenty four."

"I'd like to see you try that on Natasha. Clint I couldn't agree more." Tony looked up grinning.

"What he do to you Velma? Steal your glasses?"

"Haha, and no. Just my towel. A lot." He gave her a dubious look and she grinned. "New Mexico. Not much for super spies to do in the desert; except torment the innocent."

"I get the feeling that's not quite the whole story?" He drawled. "And what are you doing to my bot?"

"Petting him, robots need love too, you know. Aww he has a hat. That’s adorable”

“Not adorable, he tried to brain me with the fire extinguisher. Again. None of this is even flammable.”

“I’m sure you deserved it. He was always awesome when we had him”

“You...what? When was I even away? Why have you been stealing my toys? It’s like a stealth invasion here. I object.” He ranted gesturing at her with the disturbing needle gun.

“You lent him to the physicist's lab, sir, after the smoothie repulsor incident" Jarvis reminded.

"Yeah, you said something about it being one step from a community college? They just loved you for that.”

“Heh sounds familiar.” He said grinning and moving over. She had a moment to register the familiar douche goatee before she was hit with the full force of his manic, running on fumes, squirrel eyes. Wow Jarvis hadn’t been kidding about the lack of sleep. He was now sniffing the air like some demented bloodhound. "You brought food. It's the return of the take-out wench."

"Yes. But that doesn't mean you're gonna get any of it. Wench is only acceptable if I'm wearing a dirndl and carrying several litres of beer. Or a pirate."

"Is there likely to be dirndls, pirates or beer?"

"There has been in the past. But somehow Jane and Coulson don't seem like those kind of bosses."

"And that is a crying shame. But I have work...experiment...things. Food later." He gestured threateningly with the gun.

"And that is your default state of being, so food now." She countered and he narrowed his eyes. You're on twenty four right? Make it twenty five and refuel." There was as he leaned against the bench and gave he an evaluating look but she stood her ground. Logic was the best medicine.

"Fine. If I must." He gave himself one last shot to the arm and winced.

"So what are you even doing? I would've thought your cyborg tendencies would've been satisfied by the in-built night light. Or are Jarvis and Dummy seducing you to the metallic side."

"Electronic side if anything, Miss Lewis." Said Jarvis haughtily.

"Sorry dude, don't want to offend your incorporealness."

"You are getting all friendly with my creations. This makes me uncomfortable."

"Better watch out." Darcy said wiggling her eyebrows and dealing out various containers. "Imagine how uncomfortable you'd be if I was getting 'friendly' with one of your suits."

"You little...aww bad mental place. Did you have to?" Darcy laughed, throwing her head back. 

"Of course I did! They're pretty sexy, you got to admit."

"I'm not touching that kink with a ten foot pole. Why do you have a cheese steak and I have sushi?" She shrugged grinning at her sandwich but softened at his disappointed puppy expression. Those eyes should have been considered a super power, or made illegal, whichever worked.

"Here, lets share." They devoured the sandwich and began to pick at the sushi. Darcy threw one of the rolls up in the air and caught in her mouth.

"Really, the dog jokes, you're just messing with me now." Darcy stuck her tongue out at him and held up another maki roll. 

"Bet you can't do it first time."

She lost. And she could tell that was going to come back to bite her in the ass. Tony continued with his skin crawling injections and Darcy poked around the lab trying to ignore the needle. Halfway through making Stark a new playlist the swearing finally stopped.

"Dummy, blood on my mat. Deal with it."

"Slave driver. He might catch something." She span round in his desk chair to see Tony rolling his eyes at her. "So are you going to explain why you're traumatising me with that thing?"

"New prototype." He swept an arm at the room climbing onto the central platform. "Draw up a chair and bear witness. Jarvis, lights, camera, action, all that jazz. Activate Mark 47." Darcy settled into a better seat. Talk about dinner and a show.

"Jarvis, drop my needle."

...dashing through the snow...in a one horse open sleigh...

Holy fuck. She felt like Roger Rabbit watching that sparkly red dress, all he needed to do was start singing Why Don't You Do Right? She hadn't thought it would be that kind of show. Just when she was doing so well, messing about and acting like she didn't have the serious hots for this guy. It felt like her temperature had gone up about a hundred degrees. The hips...and the...the arms. Shit.

Thankfully, and to her everlasting disappointment, he switched to business mode, gesturing ineffectually at the pile of armour pieces. Realisation hit and she breathed out.

"Oh that's seriously cool. You know, if it worked." He sent her a death glare and sucked at his arm. The second try was much more successful and pieces started flying towards him. It was definitely the coolest thing she had seen in a while, her normal science buddies were a lot more theoretical. Unfortunately he still took the time to gloat.

"Ye of little faith, Lewis!" One of the pieces chose that moment to slam into his back sending him staggering and she giggled. This was clearly Jarvis' revenge for Tony's lack of proper testing. It wasn't even subtle. The cocky asshole managed a perfect flip to catch his face plate that had her so impressed she was nearly out of her seat, before Jarvis went for the money shot and slammed the last piece into his back and collapsed the whole thing. She laughed before she could help her self and trotted over.

"That was awesome!"

"Damn straight." He groaned rolling onto his back."I'm gonna stay here for a while." Darcy pushed some armour pieces aside and sat down to surreptitiously check for injuries. Tony groaned.

"You might want to listen to Jarvis a bit more. For being incorporeal he manages to deal out some pretty physical punishments."

"I have no idea what you mean, Miss Lewis." Stark just rolled his eyes and turned to look at her.

"Come on, if you knew this was ready for testing would you wait?"

"Guess not." She picked up one of the gauntlets, smiling. "This is pretty amazing." Tony seemed to take this as his due, nodding and waving his hand for her to continue. "What would happen if I tried to put it on? Is it like Blade's sword? Would my arm just explode or something?" He jerked himself up with a wince and turned to sit cross-legged in front of her.

"Actually no, not yet. I'm thinking of leaving this one without the usual fail-safes. Without the micro computers and Jarvis' permission no one would be able to use the weapons or fly. It might be useful to have a suit that I could put on other people." Darcy was grinning like a maniac. 

"You mean i can....?" She wiggled her fingers at the wrist of the glove.

"Yeah, why not? Wait, first a disclaimer, you may have noticed it's not fully tested."

"Who the hell cares." She half shouted and gingerly pushed her hand inside. The glove immediately changed as she had seen it do on Tony and wrapped around her whole forearm. It looked slightly out of place on her smaller arm but she was still struck speechless opening and closing her hand completely fascinated. Tony grinned at her.

"You realise I'm never letting you bitch at me about insufficient testing ever again."

"Screw that, do as I say not as I do. You should know better. I may have some experience with cars and making space sensors run on vodka, but this is like fucking art. No duct tape in sight."

"Should have seen the Mark I, duct tape would have been an improvement." He took her gloved hand in his own inspecting the delicate wiring in between the plates. "That's not right, something's been knocked out." He dug a tiny screwdriver out of his pocket and started to fiddle.

Her heart skipped a beat, she had been so focused on the gauntlet she hadn't noticed how close he had got. From here she could see he'd got a streak of engine grease in his hair and pattern of solder burn marks on his cargoes. She leaned forward and tried to concentrate on what he was doing to the glove, only to notice his hands, which were covered in small and large scars of the sort you only picked up by spending years working with sharp tools and hot engines. Damn that was sexy. 

Apparently she wasn't the only one getting distracted; she nearly jumped out of her skin when he made an irritated noise and reached out to disentangle a strand of hair from the metal and tuck it behind her ear. He looked up with a smirk that quickly fell and turned into something she couldn't identify.

Half a second later he was shooting up and babbling a mile a minute about the possible problems that long hair could create for the Mark 47. She leaned back and tuned out, used to scientist tangents. He seemed so happy to talk about his tech with someone, it was weird. A few months ago she would have assumed the famous Tony Stark had loads of people to talk to but he actually seemed kind of isolated. It was like Jane when she had first shown up in the desert. She held up her gloved hand and continued her own inspection, even with her above average knowledge she only understood the very basic principles of how it might work.

"So can you summon it back yet?" Tony paused his rant and looked speculative.

"Let's try." He made one of his gestures again and the glove immediately disassembled and flew towards him.

"Sweet!" He caught the gauntlet and laughed at her enthusiasm. "So do you feel you've accomplished enough today, super genius? Can we watch a movie and finish the snacks?" He didn't answer for a moment so she rambled on. "Or you could just hoard them away in your science nest, maybe hide them away in your cheek pouches for later....” He stared at her in incomprehension. “Never mind. Movie?" He seemed to shake himself. 

"Why not." He fell asleep five minutes in just as Darcy expected.


	5. Foreigner Flirtation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More unapologetic silliness. Thank you all again for the lovely comments, despite appearances they really do keep me updating. Especially thank you to TheLittleSwan for offering to beta for me, although with how slow I'm writing I don't think I can ask someone else to get involved and put up with me.
> 
> I am sorry for the long delay I have been stuck on this chapter for ages now, despite how short it is but the next should be up in the next couple of days. The song quoted is obviously by Foreigner.

# Foreigner Flirtation

Tony woke up several hours later gasping for breath struggling to shake off the last of the dream. Nightmare, whatever. Jarvis' familiar voice broke in helping to ground him.

"Good morning, sir. It is 6 o'clock and you are in the sub-basement workshop."

"How...how long did I sleep?"

"Almost six hours."

"Huh, not so bad."

"Miss Lewis left the following message: if you must choose terrible comedies just to irritate her then you should at least stay awake."

"Course she did." He smiled and the recollection of last night pushed the dregs of the dream away. Shit. He had nearly kissed her, his brain staggered to a halt at the thought. It wasn't that it would be cheating; he hadn't seen Pepper in weeks not since that last, horrible fight. She only ever talked to him on the phone now and always about the company. By the time he came back to New York he had already passed through most of the really heavy drinking stage of the break-up . The one time he had relapsed Darcy had dragged him out with Clint to a themed strip club, where she assured him that all cell phones were confiscated at the door and he wouldn't end up on the news. Strange, wonderful, even occasionally practical girl that she was. 

No, it was nothing to do with cheating, he thought as he absently checked the fabrication units. It was just too clichéd: lecherous boss hits on his gorgeous much younger employee; only one step away from a bad 70's porno. Even worse he was worried his affection starved brain was imagining interest on her end and blowing it out of proportion. He was well aware she was equally sassy and flirtatious with everyone else. He wasn't so weakly socialised he couldn't just have a normal friendship with her. He loved having her around and he was determined not to mess it up. Not like he had with Pepper.

But that smile, and the mouth on her, saints would weep and more than anything he could never resist a girl with a snappy come-back. He threw himself in a chair and slid across the floor. 

Even with the urge to bang his head against a wall, it was nice to have a vaguely normal problem to think about. He'd actually got some sleep and he didn't look at the day ahead and feel the need to spend all of it working on new suit designs. Refreshing. He might go as far as to visit the communal lounge, pester Bruce a bit, maybe even shower and find some clean clothes. Ok, that might be going too far.

However, when he staggered back down from the shower to rummage for food he found found the lounge was all full of super people; mainly Clint and Thor but that might have been a false perception. Both of them caused enough trouble (and property damage) for at least three people. Well, he had kind of been asking for this when he let them all move in. He paused in the doorway and was quickly noticed by Clint.

"Hey Stark. You, try to make it with an octopus, or something?" Ok, not your typical greeting, he had thought that more sleep would reduce the chance of auditory hallucinations.

"What, even...?" He started but Darcy came to his rescue.

"Nah, Legolas he just got overly friendly with a high-tech staple gun. Typical office dangers, pretty dull. These scientists, you know how it is." She shot him a sly, secretive smile that made his heart flip like a damn seventh grader. Fuck. He looked down at himself and saw that the microprocessor injections really had left him looking like he'd been attacked by anally retentive vampire bats.

"I know you can do better than that Darce. Stapler bruises look completely different."

"And you would know that how, exactly?" She smiled at Clint sweetly over her shoulder as she walked back into the kitchen. Tony wondered if this apparent friendship meant she had bonded with Natasha as well. The horror. 

"Actually, its less about boredom and more about the fact they make convenient weapons." Natasha jumped in on cue and Clint leaned his head back over the arm of the couch to grin at the redhead. 

"To be honest there were plenty of bored stapler bruises too."

"Naturally" Natasha continued looking at him almost fondly, "but I think they were out-numbered by offensive incidents." 

"Its not my fault you find boredom offensive, incidents just happen." Natasha smile like a satisfied shark and some primitive survival instinct tried to tell Tony to flee.

"So what are we all watching? On my TV, I might add?" He said flinging himself down, he never had been good with survival instincts. 

"Dirty Dancing" Darcy called walking in from the kitchen, dragging a reluctant Bruce by the cunningly non invasive means of a steaming pot of tea. Tony felt his jaw drop and looked beseechingly at Clint.

"Hah! Your face, man. Jarvis picks the movie, it saves fights."

"Huh, nice plan. Except for the part where the most advanced system on the face of the planet is used as Tivo. But still, logical." He was pretty impressed, movie disagreements in this group could easily escalate to limb loss. 

"I am awesome." Agreed Darcy nodding. "And mis-use of technology is a speciality."

"In this context, selecting a film could easily be viewed as critical to global security; on a level with UN peace talks" interjected Jarvis. "I cannot say I find it demeaning."

"Sweet. What's up for today Skynet?" Darcy asked settling a bemused Bruce into an armchair with the tea.

"Randomly assigned gender, notwithstanding. 'Mother' might be more appropriate name considering this choice." Tony watched Darcy interact with Jarvis, pleased at the careless way they joked about what some judgemental people might see as the AI's potential for mass destruction. She earned bonus points as always for getting the movie reference as quickly as he had himself. He reached for a tablet and settled in to tinker and watch Ripley kick some ass. 

Unfortunately, even before he got to watch Thor's reaction to the dinner table chest-bursting, Jarvis interrupted with a video call from Fury. It turned out to be an SOS from some city cops who had apparently met some sort of giant sewer reptiles, which they felt should definitely be someone else's problem. The Avenger's problem, apparently.

Tony sighed. Yet again, there was that nagging sensation he would be better suited to villainy. 

**********

Some hours later Tony winced as he and Thor landed back at the tower, arm in arm, with a jarring thump. Although, it was certainly much neater than he would have managed alone, at this point.

"Thanks, man. My stabilisers are damaged but I should have them fixed in a couple of hours." Thor looked ready to give his usual pounding smack on the back and comment about 'comrades in arms' when Darcy's teasing voice interrupted from inside the penthouse:

"I think he means that you can be his wing man any time."

"Darcy!"

Jaaane!" Answered Darcy tauntingly. 

"My ladies! Well met! What is this 'wing man' you speak of? You are aware we do not use wings to fly."

"Do not explain that reference!" Tony half shouted at Darcy's open mouth and satisfied grin but it wasn't necessary. Thor had focused on Jane and was proceeding to sweep her off her feet as if he had been gone for weeks and not hours. 

Every time. Every damn time they got back from a mission... Darcy was rolling her eyes along with him but a moment later an evil smile crossed her face and she shot him a glance. She walked over to him and threw an arm out. 

"Oh my brave hero, how my heart fills to have you return safe to my side, after so...very...long." Tony barked out a laugh. 

"Sweet damsel it has been all of...two hours since I gazed on your beloved face." Then he had a supremely terrible idea. Well fuck it, he thought, those were the best kind of ideas. "There's been heartache and pain. I don't know if I can face it again." She gave an unlady-like snort and giggled but restrained herself and placed on hand on his shoulder.

"You can't stop now. You've travelled so far." She put the back of her hand to head and threw it back dramatically singing: "to change this looooonely liiiife." He flung an arm around her and dropped her into the most dramatic dip he could manage, and in the suit that was pretty damn low.

"I want to know what love iiiiiiis." They belted out together. "I want you to shooooow me." Darcy shot a look at Jane and Thor but they were almost out of the room already, Jane wrapped around the god's torso like an amorous spider monkey.

"Our talents are wasted in those two." She said sadly turning her head back and smiling at him. Tony felt his heart skip an beat, now they weren't performing for an audience he realised he'd managed to get all dangerously up close and personal again. Thank god he was still in the suit. Shame she was just as tantalisingly beautiful seen through the helmet display. 

"Clearly." He righted her gently. "Come on, I have an overwhelming urge to fix the suit, eat pizza and watch Rock of Ages." 


	6. Hangover Hideaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all awesome. Reviews are like Peanut Butter Cups for the brain.

# Hangover Hideaway

Darcy leaned her head against the cold mirror on the wall of the elevator and closed her eyes. Last night she had gone out with Jane and Thor and was now massively hungover. Thor and alcohol was just...not good. The only reason she might forgive him for this was a) he told her he just kept forgetting she was not Asgardian (a goddess) and b) he warned her Coulson was searching for her with ominous sounding tasks. 

Not one for reckless bravery, she planned to spend the day running and hiding. No, not running, moving very softly and gently into a secure dark place and staying there. She was trying not to over-analyse the fact the place she felt most comfortable and secure was down in Tony's lab. Anyway, he would understand, he must have had some epic hangovers in his playboy days, at least she'd woken up alone that morning. 

Her stomach lurched and her head span as the elevator came to a halt at Tony's hollowed out volcano level of the tower. Eurgh. She waited a few seconds for the urge to hold on to the wall to pass and slowly turned around shuffled out.

Jarvis opened the doors ahead of her as she went along and she murmured gratefully: "love you, J-man." However, to her surprise when she reached the last door before the lab it didn't open immediately. Figuring Jarvis was double-checking with Tony she yawned, happy to have a moment to let her stomach settle a bit. She waved at the camera and after a moment the doors slid open.

Tony was one at one of his workbenches surrounded by odds and ends; tinkering with something glowy. The music was unusually low and rather more melodic than usual, more ZZ Top and prog rock than AC/DC. Excellent, less of an asshole mood suited her perfectly right now. 

"Lewis. You look like shit." Well the asshole was never completely gone.

"Thanks, I feel worse." She sank gently onto the stool he pulled over and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I come seeking sanctuary from a bloody minded tyrant armed with contracts for me to read through."

"Granted, hangover padawan."

"My eternal gratitude." She said settling her head more comfortably and closing her eyes. Despite being a pretty physical person with her friends she wasn't usually so familiar with him but feeling rubbish had wiped away some of her crush generated nervousness. "What's the pretty glowy?" She felt him shift and look at her face but she kept her eyes shut. After a moment he replied.

"I'm experimenting with the miniaturised arc reactor technology."

"Like the one that powers the suit?"

"Yeah, but for other things. Clean energy for household use."

"Neat." She lifted her head from his shoulder and transferred it to rest on her arm on the desk. He smelled faintly like sweat and engine oil and she had a sudden pang of homesickness for her uncle's garage. But home never smelled of expensive whiskey and Armani aftershave, that had an entirely different effect one her. He was concentrating hard on several softly glowing rings, no more than an inch across, which he was fixing into a shallow slice of copper tube. 

"As long as I'm Iron Man, with this technology powering the suit and Stark Tower I can never put the technology on the market." He sighed. "But its good to work out the possibilities. Maybe by then I can make it commercially viable." Darcy kept quiet, the depth of his good intentions awed her, let alone his ability to invent the technology. If all household products ran on reactors; essentially clean hugely long life batteries it could end the energy crisis. By now she knew better than to say any of that, the fact he had mentioned it at all was surprising.

"You should bring Bruce in on it. I know its not really his main area but there's some crossover right? The core is radioactive? Two super-geniuses better than one." She said putting on her best Wile E. Coyote voice and smiling at him.

"True." He brightened up, tossing the tiny reactor up in the air and catching it again. Just following the movement made her head spin again and she groaned, hangover returning. "Aww Lewis are you still not feeling well?" He ruffled her hair making it oh so much worse. 

"Do that again and I will skin you." She hissed and he laughed.

"Sofa, blanket, screen." Her waved towards the corner. "Jarvis will set you up with movies, don't say I never did anything for you."

"You are a god among men. Wait no, a god among men did this to me. You are better."

"Flattery will get you absolutely everywhere, minion. I may even keep the volume down."

"Oh, turn it up. I don't get hangover headaches, it'll probabaly just send me to sleep. Two years spent living above a rock bar."

"Where have you been my whole life?"


	7. Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story is not abandoned, I've just been having horrible trouble writing this chapter and the next one (which is almost done). After that it should get much easier. After the last chapter I thought I really ought to sort out where on earth it was going. Turns out that is not good for regular updates.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who reviewed and left kudos, you are lovely.

"Jarvis any chance you could mute that? Or just turn it off? Even better." The face of Senator Stern disappeared abruptly from the screen in front of Tony's beat up, old tech-cave sofa. Darcy felt a cheap sense of satisfaction. If there was ever a face for radio, or complete quarantine from the human race.

"I was watching that." Tony's voice was flat and emotionless. He was slouched in the near dark, with only the light from the screensavers around him to illuminate the single iron man gauntlet him was wearing. In his left hand he held a tiny screwdriver but seemed to be making very little attempt to tinker.

"But there are so many better things to watch. So, so many." That at least got a small smile.

"Really? Any suggestions?"

"I can think of one or two." She slipped easily onto his lap, straddling his thighs. With a slow smile she lifted the hem of her ratty sweater and pulled it off, leaving her in only a camisole.

"Well there is always that." Was it her imagination or did he sound slightly breathless?

"Seems like we've waited long enough." She let her hands fall to his chest, resting each side of the reactor and felt his heart beat strongly through the thin cloth. She raked her fingers down slowly for the sheer pleasure of feeling the warmth of him after so long holding back. Leaning forward she deliberately paused before finally kissing him, looking from his dark eyes, to his lips and back again.

"Too long." He said and surged forward to finally kiss her. She let out a thin desperate noise and her hips jerked forward automatically. His bare hand had come up to cup the back of her head and the gauntlet had fallen to her waist and was gripping her hip firmly, pulling her down onto him as he rolled his hips up against her.

Darcy woke with a start to the familiar sound of Thor breaking a kitchen appliance. She groaned and rolled over, cursing her over-active and obsessed imagination. It was bad enough to be having inappropriate sex dreams about a friend, without the crushing sense of loss she felt on waking up and remembering just how unattainable the dreams really were. The fact that she was crushing on someone who had become a very close friend, made her feel like a character straight out of a TV sitcom. The billionaire boss part tipped it well over into Mills and Boon. Well, it would do if she was actually sleeping with him. She groaned.

Even now when she was so happy with her job and all the friends she had made at the tower, moments like these made her want to just get in her truck and leave all her problems behind. She certainly couldn't do that now, of all times. Coulson had her liaising with a whole bunch of horrifyingly important people to organise the Avenger's appearances at a series of events to celebrate and commemorate the six month anniversary of the Chitauri attack. These were culminating with a glitterati ball, which she was expected to attend! Liaising electronically with these people was something she could handle but actually meeting them was a whole different ball park. But she wasn't thinking about any of that until after a lot of coffee.

Shoving her glasses on she rolled out of bed with a thump, sometimes you just had to start the day by hitting the floor. It was a good reminder to stop worrying about shit you couldn't change and get your feet back on the ground. Otherwise you might trip over a beer bottle and crack your head on a table. Not that that had ever happened to her. Not at all. 

"Darcy?" Jane yelled.

"Yeah, I'm up." She stumbled into the living room and over to the kitchen, waving in Jane and Thor's general direction. "Can I just ignore the mugs and stick my mouth under the coffee drip?"

"If I can't, you can't." Jane replied with a complete lack of attention that indicated this was a familiar question.

"You are a cruel mistress."

"I'm afraid its worse than you know." Jane stated voice completely serious without even taking the time to look up from her notes.

"Oh my god, you're taking up super-villainy, I knew I never should have let you watch Despicable Me."

"Worse. We're out of coffee." Darcy's brain stuttered in horror at the thought before remembering that they were all of a thirty second walk from the main Avenger's rec room, where the coffee never, ever ran out.

"Jane," Darcy pleaded, "say it ain't so." Jane glanced up in amusement and Thor grinned at them both around a truly enormous mouthful of banana pancakes. "But seriously, I'm on my knees... wait...heh. You've got my on my knees." She grabbed a spoon and held it to her lips. "LAYLA! I'm begging, darling please. Layla!"

Jane smiled at her but stayed firmly silently and mystified. She sighed and muttered. "Tony would have duetted."

"Tony would have what?" Shit, Darcy did not want to draw Jane's attention to her and Tony, whatever the hell there was going, or not going on there. "You've been spending a lot of time down there. He's not trying to steal you is he?" Darcy grinned, trust Jane to focus on that, especially when these days she hardly spent any time helping Jane. Just stopped by to make her eat every once in a while.

"No, Jane, honey. He has his own science minions and would never let my duct tape near his precious machines."

***********

Tony was tired. No scratch that, he thought; exhausted. That was better. Chronically fatigued, drained, no longer functioning at acceptable capacity and all that jazz. He resisted the urge to do accompanying jazz hands as he stepped out of the elevator. He was just going to go, change out of the Armani (monkey suit) and collapse into bed. Or the lab, probably the lab. There was that stabilising issue to work on after all. As soon as he walking into the lounge he was brought up short by someone unreasonably loud.

"Dude, you look like you were ambushed by Gucci and then steamrollered by lawyers."

"Huh. Pretty accurate." If by ambushed you meant walked into the closet before coffee. "Meeting with board of directors and all their assorted minions" he continued, thinking that these things had been much easier when he and Pepper were on better terms. Not that she had turned against him or anything so petty. It was just that in the past she had formed a wall between him and the company's many demands both reasonable and not, now that she was CEO, it really was not in her job description. Exhausted summed it up well. He beelined for the coffee maker.

"And how are the ravening hordes?" He smiled at his mug.

"Bloodthirsty. I'm thinking of organising a pitched battle between lawyers and journalists" he joked in a lighter tone, slouching back against the counter. "Preferably to the death."

"Mankind would thank you." She said seriously, peering over the back of the couch at him, head pillowed on one hand. The other was holding the Twizzler on which she was munching, the candy clashing with the darker red of her lipstick. Forming an image that his brain skittered away from before it became completely filthy. She had stowed her laptop safely on the coffee table and extricated herself from the surrounding paper work.

"Shouldn't you be working?"

"Yes." She grinned. "Please, tell me you're going to distract me."

"Can't argue with a work ethic like that." He beckoned at her and she chuckled, slithering ungracefully over the back of the couch towards him. 

"Gee, Brain. What do you want to do tonight?" She asked, disregarding the fact that it was lunch time and surprising a smile out of him.

"Why, what we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!" He raised his hands to the ceiling for the approved evil laugh but was cut-off by and excessively Zen voice.

"Tony, no."

"But Bruce," he was cut off before he could finish. 

"No." He grinned, feeling exponentially better than he had five minutes ago. Whoever said letting a whole bunch of volatile semi-superheroes and their entourages move in would be a bad idea? Well whoever they were, they were wrong.

"Fine, help me with much more boring stabilising problem?" Darcy grinned and put on her best British accent.

"Anything for you, sir." 

His brain stuttered, well, that was going to haunt his dreams.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slow update, knowing people still read it is amazing and gives me the necessary smack round the head to finish the damn thing :) This chapter had me totally stuck but the next is pretty much done and should be up in the next few days.

Stepping out of the lift Tony instantly felt more comfortable. And caffeinated, that always helped. He undid his tie, mentally planning how to work on the stabiliser sensitivity. He was having trouble hovering in cross-winds; especially when he had taken a few knocks and his own balance was compromised. Ideally the suit should function fine under Jarvis' control even if he had passed out. Flinging himself into a chair he started planning out loud while unbuttoning his shirt.

"Okay, so I'm going to watch the OS processing and see what I can do about the code, while you change the variables." He glanced at Darcy only to see her eyes had glazed over. "Lewis, that wasn't even science talk. Get your head in the game." He smiled at her in slight exasperation untucking his shirt and pulling it off, leaving himself in a under shirt much better suited for the lab.

"Uhuh," she visibly shook herself. "Sorry, changing the variables how, now?" He grinned.

"Well, with a leaf blower and a bunch of juggling balls, of course." 

"Oh yeah, because that just screams high tech science-iness." He waved a hand dismissively and picked up a pair of ripped jeans that it looked like he used to polish something disappearing off into the bathroom to change. When he came back Darcy had already ferreted out the blower and balls, and wasn't that just begging to be punned upon.

"I don't see how these are going to help, this isn't Mythbusters." He smiled and pulled out a smooth wooden box, that contained the miniaturised repulsors he had been working on.

"Wait 'til you see what I prepared earlier." He switched the first repulsor on and it dipped before floating in the air where he had let it go."

"Aw man, they're so cute! It's like a snitch." He rolled his eyes.

"Very complex machinery, stop cooing." He dropped back into his desk chair and clapped his hands. "Minions! Wakey, wakey. Worktime."

"I think you mean playtime Mecha-man." He glared at her half-heartedly.

"Work-time. No corrupting my bots with your failure at a work ethic."

"Have you met your bots? They take after you."

"I resent that remark, Miss Lewis" interrupted Jarvis' haughty voice.

"Sorry but Dummy only resembles that remark."

"Unfortunately, true."

"When you two are done insulting your superiors," Tony drawled, fingers dancing over the keys, "we can begin."

"Sweet. What am I doing?"

Together they set up the tiny repulsors to hover in the centre of the lab, Tony returned to the screens as Darcy began to use the blower on each in turn. It wasn't the most interesting test protocol but if she got bored she hid it well and Tony was able to gather some excellent data and take some notes on how the code could be adapted. There was a brief break when Def Leppard spilled out of the speakers demanded air guitar, but that was to be expected. The productive section of the afternoon only really fell apart some time later when he asked Darcy to throw the juggling balls at the repulsors from a distance. 

"Lewis, your aim is shit. Really, just appalling." Darcy was giggling, half doubled over with a hand smothering her laughs.

"Never claimed to be Hawkeye, here." She threw another ball only to clip a completely different repulsor than he had asked her to aim at.

"Useless creature. Now I see why you use a tazer." He had to dodge as she directed her next throw in his direction. "That was much better! Why can't you do that at them." He gestured at the calmly floating machines.

"Well, you are a much bigger target. And giving me much more incentive." She said, punctuating her words with throws. Why had he given her so much ammunition again? He managed to catch her last ball out of the air and returned fire, hitting her in the thigh and eliciting a pleasing yelp.

"No, fair. You're all super-powered and stuff! Innocent civilian here." 

"Not super-powered and you are not innocent!"

"Pff, don't tell me intelligence isn't a super power." 

He grabbed her arm and she tried to pull away and make a break for it down the other side of the lab buut her swung her back into his chest, getting his other arm around her waist. His grip was firm but she could tell he was being careful not to hurt her. She held the ball out away from him in a last ditch effort but his arms were longer. She could feel his breath against her neck and his stubble against her cheek. He wrestled the last remaining ball out of her hand and it dropped to the floor. Darcy took advantage of his brief victory to wrench herself half away and jab her elbow back into his ribs. His arms tightened again reflexively and she could feel the arc reactor pressing against the top of her back near the nape of her neck.

"Oof, Lewis you vicious little thing."

"You have no idea robocop." She returned, half giggling. Her heart was thundering in her chest and breath coming hard. It had been years since she'd horsed around with a friend in this way and she had forgotten how much fun it could be, especially when it was bordering on flirting. She felt the vibration in Tony's chest as he started to say something but he was interrupted by a high female voice. 

"Mr Stark?" Pepper's voice was icy and Tony dropped his hold like she had caught fire. She tried not to feel bad about that, even as her own embarrassment overwhelmed her.

"Pepper? What, what are you doing in New York?"

"Running your company. It seems you have many better things to do." Darcy had never seen Tony speechless before, she watched the emotions flick over his face; a little guilt but mostly confusion and sadness. Then the mask was back up.

"Was there something you needed me to sign? That is what I'm good for now, after all. I could teach one of the suits my signature, if that was better."

Darcy backed against a workbench and tried to disappear as Pepper guided Tony through the documents she had brought. The afternoon, or possibly evening now, had gone downhill so fast. It hurt to have Tony look so ashamed to be seen holding her, even in fun. Not only that but she had looked up to the famous Pepper Potts for most of her adult life. The woman was a political legend, even if she didn't work for a party. He skills in PR and mediation were legendary. Darcy had been communicating with her by email about he gala and was starstruck all over again whenever she opened her inbox. In fact when Tony had a arrived this afternoon she had been staring at her screen unsure if her latest response managed to preserve the fiction that she was mature enough to help organise an event as high profile as the coming gala.

"No, that's all, Mr Stark. Unless there's any trash that needs taking out?" The poisonous edge in Pepper's voice and way Tony's head flicked towards her told Darcy exactly what was meant by that. She cringed and part of her curled up inside and waited for the floor to open up and swallow her. But she had done nothing wrong and this was not a first impression she could afford to make with this woman.

"Excuse me, Miss Potts, could I have a word about the Gala arrangements, outside perhaps." At Pepper's look of incredulity she clarified: "Darcy Lewis, nice to see you in person." It might have been her imagination but she thought there was hint of guilt in the other woman's eyes, before she drew herself up once more and spun on her heel walking out of the lab.

"Of course, Miss Lewis." She said over her shoulder, tone clipped. Darcy followed in her wake.

Once outside the lab Pepper spun around and looked down at her silently. 

"About your email, this morning," she paused. 

"Yes? I was expecting you to have finalised by last week at the latest."

Darcy mentally flinched at Pepper's tone and plowed on wanting to get this over as soon as possible.

"I've been working hard to get..."

"I could see that." This time actually did flinch a little. Miss Potts at her most icy was really fucking unpleasant. Pepper caught the flinch and deflated a little, sighing audibly. 

"I'm sorry, Darcy. I didn't mean to be such a bitch." She looked so ashamed that Darcy had to forgive her instantly, it helped that now she wasn't full-on CEOing at her she look absolutely exhausted.

"That's okay. Looks like this whole thing is a pretty big deal for Stark Industries too."

"You have no idea. After Tony was the one who flew that thing" she faltered for a second and then went on, "our stock prices have been crazy. And given our head office was half destroyed, along with some of the servers, you can imagine. And there's no one who...if I could just fin a decent PA," she trailed off. "Anyway, you don't need to hear this, just let me know the full Avenger's roster as soon as possible."

"I'll try, I will, but Clint is going to be difficult. He really doesn't want to come and I can see why but the public will expect him to be there. Between myself and Natasha I'm pretty sure we'll be able to persuade him but I don't want to give you any guarantees."

"I understand. Thanks, Darcy." She turned to go but Darcy couldn't help stopping her.

"Wait, Miss Potts."

"Pepper, please."

"Uh, okay." Her brain reeled. "Anyway, what about Natasha? For a PA, I mean. She could keep up with you."

"Oh, I know that. But she's an Avenger now, surely she has to focus on that. Doesn't she?" She sounded a little hopeful and Darcy almost grinned. 

"Nah, they aren't called out all that regularly, and Natasha is bored! She was a covert agent, for like deep cover shit and now, after the Chitauri, the whole world knows what she looks like." She saw Pepper's look of consideration and paused, going in for the kill. "The rest of them would probably really appreciate her having more to do. She just keeps throwing more pointy things at; calls it honing their reflexes." Pepper smiled.

"Well if you don't think she'd be to busy." Darcy grinned and said innocently:

"I'm sure Jarvis could tell you where she is right now, if you have a few minutes to spare."


	9. Chapter 9

Later that evening Darcy let out a little scream and desperately pushed at the off button on her phone. It was fucking ten o'clock in the evening and people were still trying to ring her about the damn gala/ball/third level of hell. She threw her phone at her bed and spun around heading for the freezer. Ice cream.

She set herself up at the counter and dug in, not even bothering to find the couch and TV. About three fingers (the correct measurement for ice cream as well as alcohol) later she was starting to feel a little better and managed at least a civil wave when Natasha walked into the kitchen.

"You look exhausted." Crap, well no one could hide anything from the Black Widow. Fuck it.

"Yup. I've got half of New York hounding my ass about the gala and you guys. They want to know what designers you all will be wearing. As if I even know! Frankly, I'm making it up at this point and you know what the worst part is? After worrying if Bruce will be wearing Gucci or Prada, when generic lab coat is really much more likely, I forgot to find something for me!" Natasha was leaning back against the counter with a small smile.

"I'm pretty sure you haven't asked any of us what we're wearing."

"Well, no. I've found suits for Thor and Cap and Coulson's given me one for Clint. So I know some of it but fuck knows what Tony will do on the day and whatever he'll do with Bruce. Really, I just don't think anyone needs to know that much." She grimaced at her ice cream. Not only had everyone been asking her about labels they'd been asking her about sizes! Who did that? She jumped out her skin when Natasha put an approving hand on her shoulder, she hadn't even seen her move.

"Clear your schedule tomorrow, I will take you with me when I go to find a dress." And with that she just wandered back out again, leaving Darcy relieved and terrified in equal measure.

*******

After wasting several hours the night before picturing how horrendous it would be to try on dresses in snooty, posh changing rooms with someone as gorgeously perfect as Natasha, Darcy was rather confused to find herself following The Widow into the depths of SHIELD.

"As much as I love watching baby agents run away at the sight of you, where the hell are we going?" She asked happily trotting alone in Natasha'a wake.

"SIG storage."

"Yes," said Darcy drawing out the word in confusion, "but what is that?"

"Seized and Impounded Goods."

"Oh. Like all the supervillian's super swanky shit? Sweet!" She had begun to wonder whether Natasha had just got bored of her lack of appropriate respectfulness and was looking for a convenient place to hide the body.

"Yes, and all their clothes, where do you think Coulson picked something up for Clint?"

"Well, I just assumed they were sleeping together." She actually got something approaching a laugh for that as Natasha paused in her step and Darcy grinned.

"You're surprisingly perceptive. Most people would rather believe that Clint is sleeping with me."

"Well I do spend a lot of time around the Son of Coul. But I prefer to assume the three of you live in gloriously deadly polyamory. If you're going to assume, why not go for gold?" She asked rhetorically but the look she got was entirely too sharp and she felt her eyes widen as she wondered if she'd hit closer to the mark than she'd thought. Of course, Natasha read her like an open book (one with small words and lots of pictures) and smirked at her surprised face.

"No," she breathed, drawing it out. "Really?" Natasha's smile widened and she tossed her hair over her shoulder, continuing off down the hall. Darcy was stuck in place, mind boggling. "You're never going to tell me are you?"

"You'll just have to assume, but you know what they say about assumptions."

"But that implies you're not and you just implied you were!" Darcy wailed running to catch up.

*******

Once they actually got to the clothes Darcy's worries about nothing fitting returned full force.

"Erm, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not the average size of supervillian arm candy."

"I know but you're also not the size of a field agent, who are the only people with access to this." Natasha was pulling out rails from a colossal bank that could've clothed everyone at the base twice over. "A few years ago there was a mob boss interested in the stranger side of the black market and he had a mistress who was a burlesque dancer."

"Oh, awesome."

"Here, the next two rails. Pick what you like. Get a few things, there will be more functions like this."

Darcy dove right in, happily surrounding herself in silk, satin, corseting and a surprising number of feathers. Natasha backed off and found herself a perch on a pile of furniture across the isle. After a while, when Darcy had happily accumulated a pile of possible choices she interrupted.

"Find something for me if you can." Darcy half turned to see the Widow flicking a knife up in the air by the blade and catching it again.

"Sure, any preferences?" Not that she wouldn't look good in anything. Darcy saw a slight grimace pass over her face; it was clear Natasha had little patience with this sort of thing when it wasn't related to a mission.

"Something comfortable I can move in."

"Okay, slinky with no boning coming up." When she had pulled out a few stunning options options from the less curvy end of the rails Natasha slithered down to have a look, showing much more interest in Darcy's pile.

"This, no. The colour is all wrong. These would be best." She pointed to a red, Grecian, draped dress with a subtle amount of boning around the bodice, a cream almost work dress that would show an acre of cleavage, a dress that was mostly embroidery and an almost fifties style knee length dress in black with a v neck and wide straps.

"The first is gorgeous but I'm afraid my boobs would pop out, it would make me nervous all night." She pointed to the cream number. "This one will be just way too much cleavage, I'll save that for when I have a zit or something. Either of the other two would work."

"Take all of them to be adjusted and decide later."

"Not gonna say no to that!" Ball gowns! For free! "Do you see something you like." Natasha glared at her pile of dresses and rifled through them for a moment before pulling out an apple green silk number that was designed to drape and leave little to the imagination while still providing good coverage. It was absolutely gorgeous.

"This will do."

"Erm, Tasha, what did it do to deserve that look?" She sighed, glancing at Darcy assessingly for a quiet moment.

"Coulson wants me to carry less weaponry to civilian events." Darcy stared in incomprehension for a moment before she realised you would be hard pressed to hide your underwear preferences under the green dress, let a alone a weapon.

"Oh, okay. That sucks," she thought for a moment,"you could always put stuff in mine? I could fit the whole contents of my handbag in that bodice." She said nudging the black dress. Natasha perked up minutely.

"That's not really in the spirit of the exercise."

"Sure it is, the weapons won't be on you. Its like a kid having a safety blanket in its room but not sleeping with it. Not that I'm comparing you to a needy toddler. Oh shit, I'm sorry." Sneaking a glance at Natasha she found her actually rolling her eyes and half smiling.

"I will help you get ready tomorrow." 

Well, it looked like she was going to be doubling as a weapons cache at this shindig.


End file.
